“Thank you for calling the Clinic of Advanced Biological Computing, this is Dr. Elliott Fisher.”
So began the strangest conversation I’ve had as a journalist, with a time-traveling group of Monero-mining musicians from the year 2077.
A couple of months ago, Andrew Fenton wrote a story for Cointelegraph Magazine on crypto-related conspiracy theories. That story, and in particular the artwork that accompanied it, caught the attention of Fisher and his three colleagues — lead singer and linguist Professor Lee Shoar, engineer Keith Gubbins on bass, and mathematician Sir Anthony Calise on drums.
The four men arrived in 2020 with a mission to warn the human race about the emergence of the Lizard People, a race of beings currently living among us who are “pulling the strings in government” and sowing misinformation, such as the notion that the Earth is a sphere.
According to the band, collectively known as X OE A-Viii, climate change that will lead to human extinction is a direct result of the Lizard People’s desire to terraform the Earth to their own desired temperature — which is significantly hotter than is optimum for human existence. And in a week in which Death Valley recorded the highest verifiable temperature ever measured on Earth, the band’s message could hardly be more timely.
“We finally realized what they were doing,” says Shoar, “And we came back to warn humans what they were up to, using the medium of Brutal Truth Music.”
Brutal Truth Music, it should be noted, contains traces of the Sasquatchian language — the native tongue of the people we know today primarily through their elusiveness, and by many names including Bigfoot, Yeti, and the Sasquatch. It is to these people that Fisher suggests we must turn, if we are to prevent Earth from falling into the hands of the Lizard People forever.
What you are about to read may prove disturbing. Discretion is advised.
They came from a different planet…
Fisher and Shoar explain that the Lizard People began populating the Earth in 1997, after remotely operating machinery in the oceans that began to warm the planet for some years before First Contact.
“A lot of them were taking human form,” says Fisher. “But once they grew over six feet… well as they got older they got bigger, which is why we see them a lot more in 2077. They’re now in what they consider their prime age. They live to be about three hundred years old.”
Spotting a Lizard Person can be tough in 2020, says Fisher.
“Mark Zuckerberg, he’s one. I guess you guys had kinda figured that one out. And Elon Musk. He’s a warrior, trying to win people over. He got Joe Rogan replaced by a Lizard Person.”
As for the mission, “We’re hoping to change our timeline,” says Fisher, who describes a dystopian future in which the Lizard People have already killed all the giraffes and are moving toward a climate that cannot support human life. “It was a horrible thing,” he continues reflectively. “And after we brought back dinosaurs in 2050, they tried to weaponize those creatures, which was a mistake because Jurassic dinosaurs — we had it wrong — they were not predatory animals, they were vegan. That was just abusive.”
But the insidious nature of their mission goes beyond the slaughter of innocent creatures — and right to the heart of our perception of reality.
“What the Lizard People are producing online for us to read, is not true. What you think of as conspiracy theories in this age, maybe you start realizing they’re not that far out there. There are still people in 2077 who cling to this crazy idea of a Round Earth, left over from your time.”
Allies in the fight against Lizard People
Help, however, is at hand — albeit from a surprising quarter.
Fisher explains that 2077 marked a potential turning point in the fight against Lizard colonization, when the leader of the Sasquatch people, Jerrrry Mitchell, passed away — prompting the travelers to employ Calise’s formula for time distortion in order to change the course of an increasingly-desperate future for humans.
“As soon as the Sasquatch people know that humans stand with them and don’t want to hurt or harm them, they will come into the limelight and they’ll be our number one defense against the Lizard People,” says Fisher.
But communication with the Sasquatch has been stymied over the years by a combination of the inherent shyness of the race, and human attempts to track and capture one of their people. And although humans are dimly aware of certain major centers of Sasquatch activity, such as northern Michigan and Nepal, interaction between the races has been limited.
Professor Shoar explains that this needs to change, quickly, if humans have any hope of reversing the terraforming process, and he demonstrates a number of phrases that we can employ to alert the Sasquatch people to the fact that our intentions toward their race are benign.
Professor Lee Shoar demonstrates how to introduce yourself in Sasquatch
While these phrases may not land you a reservation at a fine Bigfoot restaurant, when accompanied by what Fisher describes as “the Conor McGregor walk, where you’re kinda flailing your arms, the Billion Dollar Walk, or swagger, is what they call it,” these utterings will rapidly help any human to befriend a passing Yeti.
The language of the Sasquatch has also informed X OE A-Viii’s music, dissemination of which is the primary focus of their mission to 2020. Shoar explains that the virality of music should help to increase exposure to their warning more rapidly.
“To really grab people we had to present the music and the truth that was brutal and heavy, and that let them know, hey, you have to really pay attention to this,” continues Fisher.
“It’s powerful, it’s screaming at you, so you have to listen. The message has to be driven into them with pure, brutal, visceral sound.”
Final Earth by X OE A-Viii
Funding time travel with Monero
The band describes a future in which Monero is the cryptocurrency of choice, and they explain that the privacy-focused digital asset is what they used to fund their own journey back to the early 21st Century.
“A lot of people began using crypto as a way to go underground,” explained Shore. “If you are someone who still has trouble setting up and securing their own VPN, then the Lizard People could find you quicker than a giraffe at a Jersey Devil Convention.”
“It comes back to the conversation of privacy and anonymity. Once people became aware that the Bitcoin blockchain was not private or anonymous by default, Monero took over,” continues Fisher.
“Of course by our time we use biological computing, which is much faster, to mine the Monero,” he added.
Perhaps to the surprise of some in 2020, the U.S. dollar remains a unit of currency in the future — although as Fisher noted, it’s predominantly used as a stablenote pegged to the value of Tether.
What can we do?
Although Shoar and Fisher acknowledge that their story may be hard for readers in 2020 to accept, they have advice on how we can immediately begin to fight back against the Lizard People’s attempted takeover of our planet.
“You can stop using Facebook, that’s the Lizard People’s disinformation platform, and people deleting that in record numbers helps to take away their power,” says Fisher.
“It is all real. Everything you heard, every theory that just doesn’t seem possible, every small inkling that something was just off about the world… is true,” he continues. We simply have to open our minds to the possibility that our Sasquatch friends can save us, and we in turn can save them as the Earth heats up.
In other words, as Fisher admonishes toward the end of our discussion, “Question everything.”
And although the colleagues recognize that the inherent paradox of time travel may mean that changing their past will necessarily change their future, Fisher selflessly proclaims:
“That was a risk we were willing to take to save the human race.”