‘We're Considering Not Lying Anymore, for Real’ — US Gov't on NSA Spying (Op-Ed)
The U.S. House of Representatives has voted to end dragnet spying on American communications.
“Yeah, we know that Section 215 never authorized mass spying to begin with, sure. That's why Snowden's NSA leaks were surprising. But we feel like some legislation is needed which says that illegal stuff is definitely illegal.”
A similar vote from the Senate – with the eventual signature of President Obama – would assert to the public that the NSA's ongoing illegal stuff is definitely illegal.
The congressional spokesperson continued:
“We know that Americans are uncomfortable with the fact that there's been some unauthorized spying going on. So we're just here to make sure everyone knows that my colleagues and I still don't authorize it. Not really.”
-- Michael S. Rogers with dark circles around eyes from extended viewing of other peoples' porn habits.
When asked if the NSA plans to stop domestic dragnets should the legislation pass, NSA director Michael S. Rogers said:
“Well, if we played by the rules, we wouldn't have gotten as far as we are today, ya know? I learned a lot from James Clapper, really. What a guy.
“And both Osama and Hussein are dead, right? So I think Americans are secretly super-glad about the spying we've done thus far, so I'd say the NSA is in it for the long haul.”
Barack Obama could not be reached for comment due to a conflicting golf game with the CEOs of Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan Chase, and Comcast.
When asked for a summary of the overall mood on Capitol Hill, White House press secretary Josh Earnest said:
“We're considering not lying anymore, for real.”